To Whom It May Concern: (Chris)
I have received and reviewed your budget suggestions. I would like to address them in a productive and adult manner. Which is to say that I am going to complain. I have created an itemized list for you to go over the paragraphs in your letter.
1. I find it unacceptable that you paid off and cancelled my secret credit card. What card am I supposed to use to buy important, secret lady things? Like, what if I grow a beard and need to get it waxed off? Or whatt if you and Emmett are both held hostage for ransom, and I cannot use the regular credit card without your signature?
2. You keep using the financial term “snowballing,” which I have repeatedly told you refers to regurgitating he-spooge like a mommy penguin. All of a sudden, budgeting feels dirtier than it already did.
3. You said I can spend my first paycheck, but then have to start saving for taxes and bills. At least 20%. I find your tax demands to be unreasonable, and am currently Occupying Kitchen until you become more reasonable. You and your big fat cats on Monument Hill can put that in your pipes and smoke it.
4. You say that we can’t cash in our IRA, because when you’re 67 it will keep you in diapers or whatever, but what you’ve completely neglected to take into account is that the world ends in December of this year. I bet the Mayans would have a much more reasonable approach to retirement investments.
5. Breaking the budget into two emails doesn’t make it seem less threatening. It just makes it seem like I have two emails, neither of which are about how pretty my hair is. How do you think that makes me feel???
6. How come the needs of the baby and the pets are extraneous, necessary needs, but all of a sudden, mascara is not? What kind of a fantasy world do you live in? Do you want me to look like a burn victim with no eyelashes?
7. You can classify the $75 I transferred into my checking account as “miscellaneous.” If you want to be all nosy and specific about it, I will just use the answer I used in high school gym class. I had my period. There. Now, by lady law, you cannot ask further questions.
8. I don’t know what downgrading to 5 MBPS internet means. If you want, I’ll call the internet people and say it, but I’ll sound like a damn fool, and they’ll know I don’t know what I’m doing and probably charge us a bazillion dollars for cable or dial-up because I’m too stupid to know the difference.
9. Have you figured out if Hulu Plus has all my channels for Bones and New Girl?? HAVE YOU???
10. When you say things like “limit our alcohol expenditures and eat out less” it hurts me very much. Can’t you just take on a mistress and save me some pain? I can limit our alcohol expenditures, but I will require that at least two of the bathtubs in the house be diverted from bathing to meth and/or bathtub gin production. And I don’t recall eating out. What I recall, actually, is making dinner all the time.
11. No clothes until June? Are you for reals right now? If I can’t continue to buy running shorts on a semi-daily basis, then I’m going to have to start buying underpants. Do you know how expensive underpants are these days??? Honestly, I’m just SAVING us money by buying all these garments with built in undergarments.
12. Can we just stop paying my student loans on account of the fact that I don’t have anything to show for college? CSU will understand if I just send them a strongly worded letter, and maybe draw them a picture of a frowny face.
Hopefully, all this makes sense to you. Obviously, if you cannot come to an agreement on my side of the fence, I’ll have to sue you for breach of contract and not keeping me in the imaginary lifestyle I’m accustomed to.
This would NEVER happen to a Kardashian.