I can’t tell you the number of people who have walked into my house, even after I’ve cleaned it up a bit, and said things like “something about your house just makes me want to start cleaning.” I could provide you a list of what those little signals are. Banana everywhere. Dog hair. IV fluids for a cat who got crushed by a garage door (OMG THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN AND WE’RE SO POOR NOW!). But I’m clawing, grasping, trying to keep some semblance of order between fevered toddlers and half-dead pussy and bananarama wipe down. Sometimes, I even prepare food. And eat it.
You know…when I’m not washing down Adderall with Red Bull and signing up for athletic events that I can’t do.
I’m really great at life right now.
The one thing I’ve successfully begun is the Summer of Fitness. I’m just going to go balls to the wall. Burpee broad jump mile? Yes! Two marathons, including one in Jamaica? Why the hell not?? Spending hours running to the gym, doing abs, and running home with my new Nordic friend (Wondertwins ACTIVATE!), yes all the time! Boot camp three nights a week, competing with people who could kick my ass in a fight if I weren’t so scrappy and hadn’t attended drunk college for 7 straight years? I’m in! Chest bump!
Because I can’t seem to control the crayon artistry on the walls, but I CAN control my VO2 Max (sorta) and body fat (maybe). This is the same ridiculous kind of thought process that goes into anorexia and bulimia. I know. But since I’m still eating, not throwing up, and only have a couple hours a day to exercise, I figure I should be alright. Just for the summer. Right? Right.
Speaking of eating– healthy food! I made some!
Normally I object strenuously to the idea of using boneless skinless anything for a food source. Because if God had wanted us to eat boneless, skinless meat, he would have created more animals that way, instead of just Victoria Beckham. But, in this case, organic chicken scallopine cutlet thingies were on sale for like, $3 a pack. And after the cat’s walk on the wild side with outdoor electronics, I’m lucky that I’m not eating canned cat food myself like those old ladies that you read about on the news.
How sad is that, btw? Someone’s grandma eating Friskies? Heartbreaking. And…isn’t Ramen cheaper? The actual fuck, Grandma??Go donate to your local Meals on Wheels so that someone’s grandma isn’t eating salmon taint and chicken meal, mmkay? Thank you. This blog is now a PSA.
Or make this for your grandma. The extra nutritive value of crusting these chicken cutlets with quinoa is insane. All kinds of amino acids and, um, fiber…and hold on while I google the nutritive value of quinoa…
You just got healthier by LOOKING at this picture
As a newly minted quinoa expert, I can now tell you that quinoa also has magnesium and iron, and is so healthy that NASA is researching it for astronauts.
This is basically space chicken, is what I’m saying.
- ¼ C quinoa
- ¼ C flour
- ¼ C almond meal
- 1 T kosher salt
- 1 t garlic powder
- ½ t ancho chile powder (or regular chili powder)
- 1 egg
- ½ C milk
- 1 T sweet, hot mustard
- 1½-2lbs chicken scallopini (chicken cutlets/ really giant chicken tenders/ flattened boneless, skinless chicken breast)
- Preheat oven to 425 F
- Line two sheet pans with parchment paper or foil and brush with olive oil
- In a blender or food processor, pulse quinoa, almond meal, flour, salt, garlic powder, and chili powder together until somewhat uniform.
- Place powder in a shallow dish
- In another shallow dish, whisk together egg, milk, and mustard
- Dip chicken in egg mixture, wiping off excess
- Then dredge in quinoa mixture, patting to coat well
- Place on olive oiled tray and repeat with additional cutlets
- Drizzle each chicken piece with olive oil and bake until golden and sizzling. It won’t take long, because the chicken is so thin. Don’t over cook it.
I served this with a “relish” of corn, black beans, green onion, salt, and lime juice because my neighbors next door are going out of town and brought us over some corn and green onions that were going to go bad while they were gone. I do not look a gift horse in the mouth, even if it means eating corn in May and trying to mentally avoid the idea that my neighbors might think we’re starving our baby so we need extra food.
It was absolutely delicious, despite being baked and boneless and skinless and against everything I believe in. You should make it too. And then tell me how much you loved it, and how healthy you feel on the inside, and how you’re probably going to look into being an astronaut.
To infinity, and beyoooooond!
Please – Victoria Beckham – boneless? I beg to differ the woman is comprised of sinews and bones – it is anything else that is supposed to be under the skin that she lacks. I swear they should send children Flat Victorias to travel around with instead of Flat Andy’s!
And, Colorado is the next best place to grow Quinoa (outside of Peru).
Wait…how the hell do you grow quinoa? that feels like a good zombie apocalypse skill.