I went to Colorado State University. My brother, in turn, went to Colorado State University. And then my little sister went to Colorado State University. If you were to ask us what the one most memorable thing about the CSU campus was, it wouldn’t be architecture or meeting places for friends or tiny, cinderblock dormitory rooms. It would be the fat-ass squirrels.
CSU has some of the fattest, friendliest, most culinarily indiscriminate squirrels I have ever come across in my life. Every one of them looks like a furry, less Scottish version of Austin Powers icon Fat Bastard. They tromp around the quad chattering merrily, patting their guts and saying “GIT IN MAH BELLEH! I’M-A EATCHA!”
When I first started school, and I saw the rotund little beasts, I thought certainly they had been fed something unsafe. Like Nutri-Grain bars. Or potato chips. I started carrying raw, unsalted nuts in my backpack, hoping to ward off squirrel scurvy, or whatever kind of malnourishment ails squirrels at state colleges known for binge drinking and hot chicks. The squirrels DIDN’T WANT MY NUTS. I was appalled. What exactly was the diet they preferred? How were they getting so fat?
When my brother started school, 4 years later, we were sitting at lunch one day and he mentioned the squirrels. Then, totally casually, he said “They really love them some orange chicken.”
What?
The?
Fuck?
Yeah. Turns out the squirrels have developed a very distinct hankering for orange chicken from the fast food chinese place inside the food court. They go crazy for it. Their tiny little hands start to clap together and they will climb you like a tree and start physically assaulting you for a bite of your greasy chinese takeout. This would be less threatening if they didn’t also outweigh a large percentage of the students on campus. Definitely most of the hot chicks.
And it would be less disturbing if I weren’t almost 100% certain that the meat that goes into that nasty chinese food is probably squirrel or other festive rodent. Capybara, maybe? Just gross. Tiny little cannibals. Adorable, merry, tiny little cannibals. Fine. Orange chicken it is.
I developed this recipe in honor of the squirrels, but for my little brother. He loves orange chicken, too. And this version is WAY better than the food court garbage. It maintains the sticky-icky quality of the orange chicken we know and love, but adds better ingredients, deeper flavor, and a crispier, thinner coating to the chicken. You will want it ALL in your belleh, and if some cute little squirrels came up and started demanding it, you’d definitely think twice about sharing.
I wouldn’t eat this near a tree, if you know what I’m saying.
- Part 1—
- 2 tbsp oyster sauce
- 1 tsp fresh ginger
- 1 clove minced garlic
- ½ cup orange juice
- ½ cup water
- 2 tbsp soy sauce
- 2 tbsp rice vinegar
- juice of half a fresh lemon
- ¼ tsp cayenne pepper
- ¼ cup white sugar
- ¼ cup brown sugar
- Part 2—
- 6 boneless, skinless chicken thighs, cut into cubes
- 1 C corn starch
- 2 T flour
- 1 t salt
- Oil for frying (I like to use a deep fryer)
- Part 3—
- 1½ tbsp of corn starch
- 1½ tbsp of orange juice
- Part 1—
- Bring to boil
- Reduce by 25%
- Keep warm
- Part 2—
- Preheat fryer to 375 F
- In a large bowl, mix together flour, salt, and corn starch
- Toss chicken in mixture, shake off excess, and set aside
- Deep fry in small batches until golden brown and cooked through, drying on paper towels or paper bags
- Part 3—
- Stir together corn starch and orange juice
- Stir into the sauce and blend well
- Bring sauce to a boil to thicken, adding orange juice as necessary to keep it thin enough to toss with chicken (and optional vegetables). It will thicken very quickly, so be prepared to pull it and toss it with your chicken/veg right away.
- Serve over rice
I like my sweats on the big side when I’m hungover. And there is no better time for chinese takeout than when hungover, as I am in this 5th of July photo. Please don’t ask me about the 4th of July, because I have no recollection.
This isn’t low-cal. Duh. Fried food and sugar syrup over carbs? No. So you’ll probably need some eatin’ sweats to put this away. I recommend this pair from CrotchGear. They are super-high quality, heavy-duty sweats by Badger athletic wear, and have an adorable, feisty, hungry little squirrel reaching for your nuts. Or, in my case, I guess squirrels are also into tacos? Who can even tell with these guys any more?
CrotchGear wants you to have an awesome pair of eatin’ sweats, too, so leave a comment telling me your favorite kind of Chinese takeout, and I’ll choose a number at random for the free pair. Awesome, right? Pass it on!
You can leave one comment a day for the giveaway, up through 10 p.m. EST on Friday, July 13. Please be sure to sign in using an email so I can contact the winner.
Play on, players. And protect your nuts.
Favorite Chinese dish would be Mushu duck, hands-down…although you can’t beat steamed dumplings for an appetizer.
Although, considering the nature of the sweatpants, shouldn’t the recipe feature squirrels and nuts? I have several recipes for squirrel, but they’re all from Tennessee and not very Asian-inspired…
Those squirrels were so fat, they couldn’t get out of the way of my car. I have never run over a squirrel, except in Fort Collins…and it happened twice.
Also, that chicken is magical
I basically have no shame when it comes to Chinese. I love me some Panda Express. However, if I’m getting all fancy, I do enjoy a little Happy Family (no mushrooms of course) from South Garden II. Damn you, now I’m hungry again…
P.S. I’m super excited to try this recipe!
I must have these pants. Not sure why CSU squirrels were so nice and the MSCD squirrels were mean f-ers. Not fair. Maybe because they are city squirrels and are living the thug life. One chased me away from the last quarter of my own sandwich. I will never forget that little punk. And stop looking so cute hungover. It sets the bar too high for the rest of us lushes.
Mmmmmm jalapeno basil chicken, Chang’s spicy chicken and combo fried rice are my favs. Love shrimp, but not as take-out. Sounds like your 4th was a lot like mine. Let’s get our families together for dinner soon.
My favorite Chinese takeout crap food is from Panda Express, because I have no shame.Fried rice, orange chicken, that candied walnut shrimp, and an order of cream cheese rangoons. Boo-to-the-yah. Haven’t had it in ages for obvious reasons, but damn I could power through all of my own meal and then clean up whatever Jenna left, too.
Also, (I tried to leave this comment last night, but it didn’t seem to work) that photo of you. I don’t think it looks like you…maybe it’s the angle or maybe it’s the angle combined with the fact that it’s reversed (picture in a mirror and all). AND, I love the placement of your artwork. Plus, how can you look so refreshed after a night of debauchery? me = jealous.
Refreshed, Katina? For SRSLY? I look like someone came in my hair. BUT, the good news is that it wasn’t a squirrel. This time.
Ooooh! Your recipe looks awesome!
My favorite Chinese takeout is General Tso’s Chicken with steamed rice and crab rangoon.
Anything that’s fried and spicy. Pretty much like this. Also, crab and cheese wontons/crab rangoons/whatever you call them.
Way to make the pregnant lady hungry dude.
Crab Cheese Rangoons/Wontons. I don’t even like fish…good thing it’s a) fake fish, and b) is 95% cream cheese.
The squirrels on the CU Denver campus like Froot Loops. I don’t know what the squirrels on CU Boulder’s campus like (odd since I went there for 4.5 years). All I remember is always seeing them fucking in the quad. I mean seriously, I think they spent more time screwing than they did eating. Maybe it was a science experiment gone awry, or maybe it was just they were getting in on the mad pheremones…
Holy crap, I want those sweats! This recipe looks great, although my favorite kind of take-out is lo mein. So freaking good!
Leslie– you totally won, but without an email address entered, I can’t contact you
I’ll have to redraw today. Sorry!
Everything that’s fried. I love it when food goes straight to my ass.
Those pants are AWESOME! And your recipe sounds delicious!
My fav kind of Chinese takeout is broccoli and beef, and lots of white rice.
General Tso’s.
Crab cheese wontons, or crab rangoon (depending on what part of the U.S. you are in apparently… or where your local Chinese people come from, still trying to figure this out). I can seriously eat these by the dozen, with the full understanding that whatever is inside is most likely not crab, or even seafood, and that deep fried dough and cream cheese are not healthy, but I don’t care, these things are just delicious. Oh, and bring on the duck sauce!