Since Representative Todd Akin made his infamous comments about how the female reproductive system shuts down any babies made from “legitimate rape,” my brain has been bashing itself against the walls of my skull wondering how, HOW, someone like this could rise to a position of power. I’m pretty sure my reproductive system doesn’t have a way to detect and “shut down” rape babies, but it definitely has to have some kind of mechanism that detects Akin’s level of brain inactivity, and shuts those pregnancies down…right?? RIGHT???
To prevent confusion like this in the future, I’d like to present this quiz to each and every lawmaker in the country. Failing the quiz means automatic discharge from the legislative branch, as well as having to repeat 4th grade sexual education, Billy Madison-style.
Question 1: What is a vagina?
A) Everything located within the panties of a woman, including the belly button.
B) The muscular sheath that leads from the vulva to the cervix, functioning as both the female reproductive entrance, as well as the birth canal.
C) That thang I smang (smash and bang)
Question 2: What is the clitoris?
A) A man
B) A myth
C) A legend
D) a bundle of nerves designed for female sexual pleasure and orgasm
Question 3: What is the G-Spot
A) That bald spot on a woman’s head where she scratches and says “well, gee…” when asked a math problem designed for men
B) A bean-shaped erogenous spot on the upper wall of a woman’s vagina, which functions as an erogenous zone, stimulation of which can produce an orgasm in some women.
C) That place in California with all the black people. If you drive through it, a woman’s booty might go “pop”
D) A thousand dollars
Question 4: Which part of the woman is capable of detecting legitimate rape?
A) Her brain
B) Her legislators
C) A jury
D) Her Cervix (Legitimate Rape Detector)
Question 5: Which part of the woman can shut down a rape pregnancy?
A) Her uterus (Rape Baby Detonator)
B) Her brain
C) Planned Parenthood (or other licensed abortion provider)
D) Why would a woman EVER shut down a pregnancy?
Question 6: What is rape?
A) A sex act committed on a party who does not or cannot (legally) consent to the act.
B) A precursor to marriage
C) When her mouth says “no,” but her body says “yes.”
D) A sex game
Question 7: What are breasts?
A) Fun bags
B) Milk jugs
C) Brassiere fillers
Question 8: If a woman wants sex, what should she wear?
A) Trampy clothes
B) Maternity clothes
C) No clothes
D) A woman’s clothing or manner of dress does not indicate willingness for sex.
Question 9: How are babies made?
A) When biologically-viable sperm merges with a biologically-viable egg and implants into the female uterus for a period of gestation and then a baby is birthed.
B) When a man and a woman share a special hug, and then a stork comes
C) Korea or sometimes Haiti throws small people at the United States
D) Probably not in the butt
Question 10: What does “legitimate” mean?
A) I agree with it
B) Conforming to a law or set of rules
C) I dunno, but definitely MC Hammer was too much of it to quit
Bonus Question: Can a man be raped?
B) Only the gay ones
C) With what vagina?
D) Not if he’s carrying a concealed weapon
The key to this quiz is simple: After the question “name” is filled in correctly, the only answer is for the politician in question to write a big question mark on the test and turn it in with the explanation of “I’m not a scientist, but I definitely support any and all protections for rape victims.”