The Spiteful Chef

A Comprehensive Guide on Gym Attire

The Gym. We love to hate it, but an estimated 45.3 million Americans have a gym membership of some kind. Some of us go to lose weight, some of us go to bulk up, some of us go because our gyms have free daycare, and some of us go because we like to lay by … Continue reading »

There’s a party in my garden, and I think my cukes are coming…

Oh, late summer. That special time of year when all of the good summer holidays are over, the novelty of swimsuit attire has faded, and the heat takes on a desperate, end-of-days feel. Honestly, the only redeeming things that happen in late summer are A) I’ve become relatively tan and B) my garden has started … Continue reading »

Squirrels! They’re after your nuts!

I went to Colorado State University. My brother, in turn, went to Colorado State University. And then my little sister went to Colorado State University. If you were to ask us what the one most memorable thing about the CSU campus was, it wouldn’t be architecture or meeting places for friends or tiny, cinderblock dormitory … Continue reading »

Tomatoes of Wrath

I was at the gym yesterday, hammering away at a tractor tire with a mjolnir…er…sledgehammer, when a pompous-looking management type waddled out onto the turf field and told my boot camp class that there was a tornado warning in effect, and we all needed to cram into the locker rooms until it was safe. That … Continue reading »

Do Birds Have Threesomes?

I think my attack pigeons are having a threesome. Either that, or they’ve brought in a sister wife. All I know is that there are now three attack pigeons sharing one nest, when there used to be two. I have no problem with it– good for them– but they’ve got eggs and I don’t really … Continue reading »

Quinowhaaat?

I can’t tell you the number of people who have walked into my house, even after I’ve cleaned it up a bit, and said things like “something about your house just makes me want to start cleaning.” I could provide you a list of what those little signals are. Banana everywhere. Dog hair. IV fluids … Continue reading »

Big Bad Spaghetti Run

Yesterday was my first race of the season. It also was my first real run since last October. I’ve been focused so much more on boot camp and general fitness, and so much less on distance running. Which is enjoyable, because distance running is hard and crappy. I know some people really like slogging along … Continue reading »

Toeing the Line

Swimsuit season can eat my ass. I’ll be the one who says it. I don’t care how hot you think your body is, when swimsuit season comes oozing along, all of a sudden the most confident among us are reduced to a mass of writhing insecurities and self-hatred. Sure, we try to “own it,” but … Continue reading »

A fried pancake reply to my wife

Dear my wife’s blog readers, I have recently learned a few new and interesting things about my wife, through a recent post: 1) She does not like to discuss finances. 2) Social media is now the new way to discuss such issues. Now, sadly, this is only a new venue for the age old battle … Continue reading »

An Open Letter to my Husband

To Whom It May Concern: (Chris) I have received and reviewed your budget suggestions. I would like to address them in a productive and adult manner. Which is to say that I am going to complain. I have created an itemized list for you to go over the paragraphs in your letter. 1. I find … Continue reading »

I like food… as more than just a friend

Lesbiatarianism